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Intro To Non-Monogamy
Intro
Non-Monogamy is an umbrella term for a relationship style that focuses on the practice of having more than one romantic or sexual relationship at a time, with the consent of everyone involved. A term you may be more familiar with is Polyamory, which is a type of non-monogamy that is commonly practiced.
There’s a wide variety of ways people practice non-monogamy, and different types of relationship structures that can exist within it. Non-monogamous relationships are not cheating, and cheating can exist within these relationships when negotiated boundaries are crossed. Non-monogamy also isn’t (generally) just having sex with multiple people (unless explicitly negotiated as such), it is a way of expressing and experiencing diverse relationships, love, care, community, …..and yes sex can be a part of it too.
Common Words You May See
These are some common words and definitions you may run into when talking about, researching or engaging in non-monogamous spaces.
Ambiamorous – Someone who is open to monogamous or non-monogamous relationships
Anchor Partner – A partner who one regards as a central figure in one’s life, a stable “rock” or “anchor” to lean on. Often used in non-hierarchical relationships for someone’s equivalent(s) of a primary partner in a hierarchical setting
Comet – A partner that is seen inconsistently, or long distance
Compersion – Happiness at the joy of one’s partner in another relationship; sometimes referred to as the opposite of jealousy.
Ethical Non-Monogamy / ENM – All participants agree to a set of limitations (or lack of) around relationships with other romantic, sexual, or emotional partners that aligns with their relationship stricture. This can be a catch all for many types of non-monogamy.
Hierarchy – Relationships in which certain partnerships are prioritized above others and/or given additional powers in rule-setting.
Metamour – The partner of one’s partner
Nesting Partner – The partner someone chooses to live and build a home with.
New Relationship Energy / NRE – The excitement of being with a new person.
Paramour – Another word for ones partner/s.
Polycule – A network of interconnected relationships; can be used to refer to the network itself, or a chart illustrating the same.
Primary Partner – The prioritized relationship or partner in a hierarchical set-up.
Relationship Escalator – The idea that relationships must progress and continue to escalate in intensity and commitment over time, such as dating, living together, marriage, children.
Satellite – A partner that is not a nesting partner, sometimes someone that is seen less often or is long distance.
Unicorn – A bisexual woman who prefers to have relationships with both parts of a heterosexual couple on terms set primarily by that couple’s agreements. Often used rudely towards couples seeking a female third.
Veto – The ability to object, in some non-monogamous relationships this can mean a current partner could reject someone beginning a relationship with someone new.
Different Styles Of Non-Monogamy
These are different styles of non-monogamy that people commonly practice. People will often have their own definition of what their relationship style means to them, so always ask questions rather than make any assumptions. This can give you an idea of what styles exist, and can may help you identify what style you are interested in.
Hierarchical Polyamory – There is a “Primary” partner who may cohabitate, combine finances, have children, and defines rules for “Secondary” relationships.
– Example – Alex and Lyra are married to each other, they share a home and are trying for children. They are polyamorous, but they are each other’s primary partner. If Alex wants to see someone else, they will be a secondary relationship and cannot come around the family home. If there’s ever an issue, the primary relationship will take priority.
Nonhierarchical Polyamory – There is no “Primary” partner, all relationships are viewed equally, though there may be a “nesting” partner that someone chooses to live with.
– Example – Zach and Brian have been seeing each other for years and will be moving in together soon, Brian is also dating Jose. Both of these partners are in equal standing with one another, even after Zach and Brian move in together, and if any issues come up they will be resolved with everyone in mind.
Relationship Anarchy – All participants are free to connect with others romantically and sexually without restrictions, rules, or labels. This does not remove the requirement for honesty and trust. Often times people who practice this style reject the relationship escalator.
– Example – Casey and Ryan are in a steady relationship with one another. They live together and both have other partners that they see and have over often. Casey is also seeing Krys who lives in another state, they only see each other a few times a year and don’t plan on living together or applying a label to their relationship but they are still very important to one another.
Solo Polyamory – A person who prefers to live alone and have multiple partners without a hierarchy.
-Example – Eli has her own apartment, she enjoys having the space to herself. She has several partners who all come over separately and sometimes together for game night. All these relationships are equally important to her, but she has no desire to live with any of them.
Parallel Polyamory – A style of poly where metamours do not interact with one another.
– Example – Rhonda is dating both Skyler and Isabel. They love both of their partners, and while both partners are aware of each other they have no desire to all know each other or spend time together. If there’s ever any issues, Rhonda communicates between them and tries to resolve it without it being a group discussion.
Polyfidelity – A “Closed” style of poly relationships where a polycule agree not to seek additional romantic or sexual connections outside of their established relationships.
– Example – Earnie, Daisey, and Nicole are all dating and live in a home together. They are polyamorous with each other but are not seeking out or open to any new relationships other than what they have established with each other.
Kitchen Table Polyamory – Everyone in a polycule is able to sit at a kitchen table and interact with one another. Partners and metamours are all in communication with each other.
– Example – Xavier is dating Natalie, Walter, and Phillip. Natalie is dating Phillip and Emmit. They are all aware and friends with each other, have a group chat they send messages to, and regularly meet up to hang out and spend the night together.
Swinging – A sexual activity where a single or couples engage with people outside of their established relationship, sometimes swapping partners with another couple.
– Example – Greg and Sue are in a relationship together. Sometimes they meet up with Jon and Harry to have sex together and swap partners. They are not in a relationship or have romantic feelings for the other couple.
Don’t Ask Don’t Tell – When it is established with consent that one partner will not hear anything about their partners relationship/s, sexual or otherwise and they will not ask.
– Example – Sandy is dating Abby. She knows Abby has sex with other people sometimes, but doesn’t want to know or hear about it.
Can You cheat?
The short answer is yes. When you are in a non-monogamous relationship, you should negotiate boundaries with your partner and what is and isn’t okay for them to do with other people, what you want communicated with you, how protection and testing will be handled, and rather or not your relationship is open or closed. Cheating can take many forms, rather that be having sex with someone outside of their relationship without communicating with their partner, starting a new relationship without getting permission from their primary partner or otherwise.
There is no clearly defined line about what is and isn’t cheating, in monogomy or non-monogomy. Its best to have a clear conversation about expectations so you are both on the same page. As an example, some people consider looking at pornography to be cheating. Ask your partners how they define it to avoid future conflict!
Non-monogamy isn’t an excuse for cheating. If a partner cheats and then tries to use non-monogamy as an excuse or a path forward that isn’t okay. All relationships are build on trust, honesty, and communication.
If you are non-monogamous and you have a partner that is monogamous, you cannot force them into a relationship style that doesn’t feel comfortable or okay. Be prepared for the potential reality that the relationship no longer works between you, and that be okay.
No relationship is ever easy, monogamous or non-monogamous. Its up to you to build and communicate with your partner/s to create a relationship framework that works and is fulfilling for everyone involved. This can take work, and you will most likely run into problems along the way, but if it is something that feels right to you the effort you put into it can create long lasting, rewarding relationships for everyone involved.
With all relationships, communication and honesty is key.
Last Edited 9/25/2024