To Love and Play

Intro

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Gender and Sexuality are rich and diverse spectrums that encompass a wide variety of people and presentations. This is a great starting point for understanding and exploring these concepts, but looking up more information is always encouraged. Some definitions may change and evolve over time as culture shifts, there are some terms that used to be the norm that some people may find offensive now. Similarly, as gender, sexuality, and self expression evolves new concepts may appear as time goes on.

Sexuality

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Sexuality is ones experience of attraction to others in relation to their gender.
Sexual Orientation is specifically in relation to sexual attraction and activity, Romantic Orientation is in relation to romantic attraction and interest. These are often aligned but some people may have differences in their sexual and romantic attractions. These feelings of attraction are inherent to an individual’s identity, and is not a choice that is intentionally made.

Asexual/Aromantic – When someone does not experience sexual or romantic attraction to others.
Bisexual – When someone experiences attraction to more than one gender.
Demisexual/Romantic – When someone only experiences attraction to others once they have formed a close bond with someone.
Graysexual/Greyace – When someone’s attraction to others is limited, low intensity, or rare.
Heterosexual/”Straight” – When someone is attracted to individuals of the opposite gender as them.
Homosexual/”Gay” – When someone is attracted to individuals of the same gender as them.
Lesbian – Woman who are attracted to woman. Some nonbinary people feel aligned with this label.
Pansexual – When someone is attracted to all genders, or regardless of the gender of others.
Queer – An umbrella term for individuals who’s sexuality and/or gender is not heteronormative.
Questioning/Exploring – When someone is exploring and still determining where they feel aligned.

Compulsive Heterosexuality Is the idea that being heterosexual is “Normal” and is enforced through societal expectations. Often times this represses people’s ability and comfort to explore the possibility of being anything but heterosexual out of fear of rejection, social outcasting, or repercussions (rather that be social, career, or family). Many people are not even exposed to the idea that anything else is an option depending on what the environment they were raise in was like.

Sex Drive Vs Sexuality

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Sexuality and the existence of a sex drive are two different aspects of a person that may or may not align. Sexual attraction generally involves sexual desire for another person, the feeling of want to touch, interact, or be touched by someone else for the purposes of sexual pleasure. Generally the type of person you are often attracted to (their gender and/or presentation) is what defines your sexuality.
Sex Drive or Libido is the biological feeling of arousal, desire for sexual stimulation, or orgasm in relation to your own body. This can exist without the desire to interact with another person sexually and may or may not align with someone’s desire to interact with themselves or others sexually.

Examples
Sexual Attraction With Sex Drive: Allan has a strong sexual desire for their partner Kayla, they are turned on by looking at their body and desire sexual contact with them. The feeling of arousal comes up a few times a week, and they enjoy engaging with it together.
Sexual Attraction Without Sex Drive: Alice is in a relationship with Suzy. She has the desire to touch her partner sexually when Suzy initiates, but often times doesn’t experience physical arousal independently. She enjoys having sex with her partner, but doesn’t always orgasm herself and is okay with that.
Sex Drive Without Sexual Attraction: Jared is asexual, and has no desire to engage with other people sexually. He isn’t sex repulsed, but doesn’t seek it out and will often just masturbate without fantasizing about another person and focuses more on the physical sensation.
No Sex Drive or Sexual Attraction: Jen almost never feels aroused, and has no desire to engage sexually either with herself or with others. She doesn’t seek it out, and declines when propositioned.

Sexual Repulsion – Some people may identify as “Sex Repulsed”. This means that the idea or reality of engaging sexually can produce a disgust response. People who experience this can feel it only at the idea of others, or at the idea of any sexual interaction including self stimulation. Some Asexual people are sex repulsed, but not all of them and it should not be assumed one way or the other.

Relationship Orientations

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A relationship orientation is different from sexuality, in that is describes the relationship style or framework an individual follows, separate from the gender of person they are or are not attracted to. Some people may engage in non-normative relationship styles, and not be Queer/LGBT

Monogamous – When someone only has the desire to be in a sexual or romantic relationship with one person at a time.
Ethically Non-Monogamous/Polyamorous – When someone and the people they are in a relationship with choose to have relationships or sexual interactions with others, with the consent, knowledge, and agreement of everyone involved. There are many ways people may practice this, and this can sometimes overlap with being romantically monogamous, such as in cases of swinging or don’t ask don’t tell.
Swinging – An explicitly sexual activity where people engage with others outside of their relationship, sometimes in a group or by swapping partners.
Don’t Ask Don’t Tell – When it is established with consent that one partner will not hear anything about their partners relationship/s and they will not ask.
Queer Platonic – A relationship type that is based on a close connection between two people that is neither romantic nor sexual. These relationships are generally defined as more than a friend, or as a life partner outside of the romantic or sexual binary.

Being Non-Monogamous is not always all about sex, especially in situations where there is more than one romantic partner involved, and it is also not an excuse for cheating. You can still cheat in any relationship orientation – all relationships require open communication, agreeing on the terms of the relationship and adhering to them.
You can learn more about non-monogamy Here

Sex

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Sex is used to describe the biological attributes someone is born with, that is often used to initially identify them. This can be features such as gene expression, chromosomes, hormone levels/function, and reproductive anatomy.
While some people align with their sex, not everyone does and it is not indicative of gender identity or expression.

Intersex – When a person has a combination or absence of female or male attributes, this is sometimes identified at birth, childhood, adulthood or never at all. People who are intersex can have any gender, identity, or sexual orientation. Some many identify as Cisgender (Either aligned more with their visible traits as male or female, or aligned with the experience of being intersex), Transgender (Unaligned with their traits or as a part of their identity outside of the gender binary), or otherwise. Being intersex is a highly individual experience, some people may be open about it and others are not.

Because it is a deeply individual experience, it is not recommended to make any assumptions, such as assuming because someone is intersex they are trans or queer, nor to ask invasive questions especially about their genitalia.

Gender Identity & Expression

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Gender Identity is ones internal experience of social, cultural, emotional, and physical traits associated with themselves in relation to the gender binary. This is not something that is a choice and is inherent to an individuals sense of self.

Cisgender – When someone’s gender identity and sex are congruent.
Example – Kathy was born with female characteristics, and she identifies as and is a woman.
Transgender – When someone’s gender identity and sex are incongruent.
Example – Alex was born with male characteristics, but she identifies as and is a woman.
Non-Binary – When someone’s gender does not fit within the male/female binary. This can sometimes be neutral, or exist within the binary spectrum. Some people may simply just not care. This is often used as an umbrella term for various identities outside of the binary spectrum.
Example – Blair was born with male characteristics, but they feel more aligned with being gender neutral.
Agender – When someone does not align with any gender, and experiences the absence of gender. This is different than feeling gender neutral.
Example – Lane does not feel aligned with any gender, and would prefer to just be acknowledge as themselves outside of the binary.
Genderfluid – When someone’s gender identity shifts and changes over time. Sometimes influenced by the environment they are in.
Example – Blair sometimes feels more masculine, and he will identify as a boy on those days. Others, she feels more like a woman and will identify as such.
Two-Spirit – A term used by Indigenous and Aboriginal people to describe the cultural perspective of people who are Queer within those communities, some of which do not operate on the binary gender system.

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Gender Expression is how someone chooses to present themselves to others and is a choice, though it is not always indicative of someone’s gender identity.

Masculine – When someone dresses, presents themselves, or behaves in ways that align with male characteristics. Such as growing out a beard, or wearing swim trunks.
Feminine – When someone dresses, presents themselves, or behaves in ways that align with female characteristics. Such as getting your nails done, or wearing dresses.
Androgynous – When someone presents themselves with a combination of characteristics, or the absence of. Such as wearing button down shirts with makeup, or heels with a suit.
Gender Non-confirming – When someone rejects the idea or appearance aligned with gender roles and presentation. Such as someone wearing clothes or presenting themselves without consideration to how they are coming across.
Cross-Dressing – When someone dresses or acts in a way that is opposite of their gender identity, often as a form of expression, art, or sexuality.
Drag – An art form based on performance and the exaggerated gender norms. This can be both masculine and feminine.

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Pronouns are how people refer to others and themselves in relation to their gender identity. Some people will use alternate pronouns when presenting in a way that is not aligned with their identity, but it is very individual. Always ask people their pronouns, even when you feel like you can guess, and respect what they ask to be called even if it doesn’t align with your assumption.

He/Him – Masculine Pronouns, often aligned with Boy, Man, Male
She/Her – Feminine Pronouns, often aligned with Girl, Woman, Female
They/Them – Neutral Pronouns, can sometimes be aligned with Nonbinary, Androgynous, Gender Non-Conforming
It/Its – A Neutral pronoun, sometimes used to reclaim the dehumanization of Queer people.
Neo-Pronouns – Third person pronouns that are not a part of a languages existing pronouns such as xe/xyr, ze/zir,
No Pronouns – Using only someone’s name to refer to them.

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Gender Dysphoria is the experience of discomfort in relation to gender, this can be physical traits or social interactions. This can either be a result of not feeling aligned with your gender, or being mistaken for the incorrect gender. An example is feeling uncomfortable with having a beard, or being called “Sir”
Gender Euphoria is the experience of delight and joy in relation to gender, this can be physical traits or social interactions. An example is someone feeling good about how they look with breasts when looking at their body, or being called “Miss”.

These feelings can exist in someone who is transgender, cisgender, and/or intersex. You can see this in cisgendered individuals when someone doesn’t feel like they are as masculine or feminine as they want to be. When these feelings come up in relation to aspects of the body that are not related to gender, especially when the perception of those body parts are distorted or inaccurate to reality, this can be called Body Dsymorphia.

Questioning

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How do you know your gender or sexuality? Some people will describe themselves as “Just knowing”, or that they have always known. But often times identifying your gender or sexuality takes internal reflection, and being in a place that is safe and supportive to explore. This can involve dismantling societal expectations that others have put on us, or that we put on ourselves. This process can be destabilizing for many, as you may realize things about yourself that you thought were a given may not be what you previously thought.

What if I’m certain of who I am and my sexuality? – It’s wonderful to know ourselves, but it can still be good to take time to reflect internally and check in. Things may change over time, and it can be good to be sure of yourself and who you are.

Questions to ask yourself when you are questioning your sexuality –
– What attributes do I find attractive in another person?
– What type of person do I often find myself looking at, either in person, in media, or otherwise?
– What do I fantasize about, or what type of pornography do I look at in private, if any at all?
– If you imagine yourself being touched by a man, woman, or nonbinary person what types of feelings do these thoughts bring up?
– Are there any thoughts you find yourself reflexively pushing down or trying to ignore? Why?

Questions to ask yourself when you are questioning gender:
– What attributes about myself do I like? What makes me feel euphoric? Dysphoric? (This can be physical characteristics, or stylistic choices)
– When people call me Sir or Miss in public, how does it feel? How would the opposite feel? Or not being referred to in this way at all?
– How do you view yourself internally? Does it align with your presentation?
When reading a novel or fantasizing, what role are you in? Why?
– Do some gendered societal aspects make you uncomfortable because of society, or because of how you feel internally?
– Are there any thoughts you find yourself reflexively pushing down or trying to ignore? Why?

How to politely ask questions

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Before doing so, ask yourself why do you want to know? Are you hoping to date or have sex with them? Is there a reason such as medical or legal you need to know for? Are you checking in to be respectful? Or are you just being nosey? Also ask yourself, does asking the other person put them at risk? This can be making someone uncomfortable, or putting them in a risky social situation. It’s always best to ask questions in private if you are going to ask, unless it is in an environment where it is established as okay by the individual.

Ask permission to ask. Before asking any questions, ask them if it is okay to ask a question and express what it is in relation to. Such as, may I ask a question about your sexuality? May I ask a question about being transgender? Not everyone is in a place to answer questions all the time, and some people do not like educating others on the subjects of sexuality, sex, or gender. It can be labor especially if they are questions that they are asked often.
Explain why you want to know. It can help to explain why you want to know, so that the other person doesn’t have to play a guessing game and speculate your motivation. Simply letting someone know that you are curious and don’t know a lot on the subject, that you want to get to know them better, or that you are questioning your own experience can go a long way.
Don’t be invasive unless they welcome it. You (Hopefully) would not go up to a stranger at the store and start asking them questions about how they have sex, or about their genitalia out of no where. Knowing that someone is LGBTQ or Intersex does not make this social interaction more acceptable. You should only ask these questions if someone has stated that they welcome the questions to be asked, or if it is relevant to your interactions with them (such as if you have agreed to have sex together)
Gracefully accept their no. If someone says that they do not want to answer a question you have, accept their no and thank them for letting you know. Nobody owes you information about themselves, or their time to educate you on a subject. Apologizing if you have overstepped or made them uncomfortable can often be good to do as well.

FAQ

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