To Love and Play

Intro

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What do you think of when you think of discipline in BDSM? Spanking? Standing in a corner? Writing lines? Calling someone very very naughty? In kink dynamics or in a scene it can mean so much more than that depending on the context that it is in. There’s not only a myriad of ways that someone can be punished, but also rather or not they deep down enjoy it, if its a part of a long term dynamic, or specific only to a scene.

Consent

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Everything written in this article is with the understanding it is practiced between consenting adults with consent.
Consent – Consent or permission for something to happen or to do something. Necessary and required for all kink and sexual activities. Consent can also be revoked at any time, including during a scene, for any reason, given or not.
Informed Consent – Agreeing to do a kink activity when one is fully informed of all of the risks and factors involved. If someone is uninformed, it is your responsibility to inform them or to not play with them. If consent isn’t fully informed, it doesn’t really count.
As with everything in kink, people always have the right to revoke consent and red out of anything, including punishment. If someone cannot red out of something they do not want, it is abuse.

Punishment Vs Funishment

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There are generally two categories that discipline can fall into –

Punishment
– Something that the person receiving genuinely does not enjoy
– Generally in response to a broken rule or agreement, the breaking of said agreement can have happened intentionally or on accident.
– Usually occurs with prenegotiated consequences to specific actions, not randomly and never out of anger.
– Ideally the punishment fits the action and isn’t disproportionate
– Often times not fun for either the person giving or receiving.

Punishment Example – The bottom in the relationship agreed that they would clean their room by 5:00, and they did not. As a result, their Top takes away their access to video games for the next week. The bottom feels upset, but accepts it because it is a consequence they agreed to.

Funishment
– Something that the person receiving actually wants and enjoys
– Often in response to taunting, setting up a roleplay where the person receiving “Breaks” a rule, or by request.
– Can be disproportionate if negotiated.
– Can be a reward
– Generally fun for both the person giving and the person receiving during the scene

Funishment Example – The bottom in the relationship sends naughty photos to their Top. As a result, their Top calls them very naughty and in need of punishment, and spanks them which they both enjoy and ultimately wanted to happen.

Negotiation

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Prior negotiations are required before enacting any type of punishment or funishment so that both parties understand and consent to the action. Generally long term rules and punishments are a part of an established dynamic/relationship rather than an individual scene. Informed consent is an important part of any kink, individuals must consent to the specific rules, consequences, and actions being taken as well as when or how they will be enacted.

Either party can still Red out of anything, even if it isn’t intended to be enjoyed.

Things that should be included in prior negotiations –
– What are the rules? Be specific to avoid misunderstandings.
– How strict are they? Will there be exceptions depending on circumstances?
– Is it the Top’s responsibility to check in, or the bottom’s to self report?
– In what time frame should punishments happen? Immediately after a rule is broken, at a specific time in the week/month?
– What happens if the Top isn’t around or in a place to punish the bottom at a specific time?
– What punishments are agreeable to what rules? What’s off limits?
– Is there any reward system in place? Or just discipline?
– What happens if a rule is broken repeatedly? Is there a reason why, or anything the bottom might need help with outside of the kink dynamic?
– Will you have regular check in’s to make sure both parties are still feeling good about the dynamic? (Hint: You should!)
– Do any of the rules or punishments have any potential to effect life outside of your dynamic? Is there any risk of outing? Involving outside parties?
– Do you have an aftercare plan?
– What are you going to do when a punishment goes wrong?

Picking Punishments

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There is no one size fits all for punishments/funishments. What is enjoyable for one person might be torture or completely neutral to another. Talking about what feels like fun or a punishment is important. Spanking might be sexy and fun for one bottom, while another might find it to be the worst.

Ideally in a punishment, you want it to be something that is not enjoyable for either the Top or bottom in the scene. It is important that the top doesn’t enjoy it as well, because that can create incentive for a rule to be broken as a way of rewarding the top (Either by the Top encouraging the rule break, or by the bottom doing it to please the Top).

It can also be important to separate actions to avoid inadvertently rewarding behavior, for example if someone is being punished, you probably shouldn’t be engaging with them sexually while you do it (this is where funishments can come in though!). This isn’t to say you can’t proceed with other activities in the same night, just demarcating energy and intent can go a long way for reinforcing certain behavior.

When picking punishments, it’s important to talk about what is off limits and why. Avoid anything that can cause serious harm, either physically or psychologically. For example, if someone has a history of an eating disorder then food restrictions should never be a part of a punishment for them.

Remember ultimately the goal should be a net positive, either a funishment that you both enjoy, a punishment intended to reinforce positive behavior or reinforcing the power dynamics between two (or more) people.
Nobody should ever feel unsafe or legitimately afraid.

Types of Punishments

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This shouldn’t be considered a complete list, punishments can be as creative as you want them to be! Just be sure to keep in mind, is it fitting to the action? Is there any chance for long-term harm? Is it within your skill level?

Note on revoked collars – I personally do not ever recommend this, it is included because it is one that I see come up occasionally. This has a high likelihood of causing long term damage to your relationship or bottoms self esteem.

Considerations

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When talking, have a conversation around expectations and how it feels for both parties, as well as what individual needs are around punishment, funishment, and rewards. Some people will experience power exchange atrophy without the consistent presence of dynamics or reinforcement.

Some people will utilize Maintenance Punishments. These are punishments on a regular schedule or set time intended to reinforce power dynamics between two people without being tied to a specific action. This can look any way people might want to negotiate it, rather that be on a regular basis (Such as, being spanked every Friday night) or as needed (If the bottom went to their Top and said they wanted to feel their dynamic more, they may schedule time for their Top to wash their mouth out with soap).

There will also sometimes be the existence of Boundary Testing, this is where the (generally) bottom will test a rule to see if it is enforced or not. This can either be as a way to reinforce the dynamic, or to see if there are actually repercussions around the set rule.

This requires a discussion as some Tops find it to be disrespectful to boundary push and expect obedience, while some bottoms feel unfulfilled or disrespected if their top isn’t holding up their end of the negotiated dynamic. Keep in mind that if boundary testing is something you intend to engage in, it should never include anything that violates the other person’s consent.

Discipline can be very emotionally impactful, for both the Top & bottom.

It is important to unpack the interaction together afterwards, provide reassurance, and aftercare. The punishment should feel concluded and resolved at the end of the negotiated interaction.

The bottom might have feelings of guilt, sadness, disappointment, feelings of shame or that they are “bad”. It is always recommended to assure them even if they broke a rule or did something “bad” they are still good and cared for in their dynamic.

The Top might have similar feelings of guilt (for dispensing the punishment), disappointment in their bottom, or even feelings around enjoying punishing their bottom that they may want or need to talk through afterwards.

Realistic Expectations

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It’s good to keep realistic expectations in mind when setting up discipline especially in long term dynamics. As much as some of us would love to live a 24/7 kinky fantasy, the majority of us have to keep real life in mind. A rule might not be possible to be followed 100% of the time depending on the circumstances.

What happens to keeping that room clean if you have a 50 hour work week or a broken ankle? Similarly, a Top might not always be available to provide punishment/funishment either physically or mentally if they aren’t in the right place for it that day.

Something else to keep in mind is that sometimes bodies will be bodies. A punishment should never cause serious long-term harm or have medical consequences. So if the planned funishment for the night involves anal, but the bottom has a tear you should probably reschedule.

As mentioned previously if you have a rule being consistently broken or not followed up on, you should have a check in conversation on why that is happening. Is it an unrealistic expectation? Are you or your partner struggling with other things in life right now?

If you find yourself (either as the top or bottom) feeling overwhelmed, anxious, stressed, or dreading the existence of rules/punishment, it might be a good time to reevaluate if they are serving your dynamic or harming it.

Like all kink, the core of a healthy interaction is communication and consent.