To Love and Play

Intro

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So you’re interested in the Kink Community, that’s great! It can be an amazing way to learn, meet people with common interests, connect with others and socialize. Before you jump in, one of the first questions you should ask yourself is:

What are you looking for?
Why are you interested in the kink community? There are a lot of reasons someone might want to join, some better than others and a lot that the community can provide!

I want to learn more! – Education is a fantastic reason for joining your local community. Many communities have ample resources such as classes, demos, in person skill shares, and people who have been practicing and are experienced with different types of play. If you want to learn something, chances are there is someone who will be willing to show you, or can help you connect with someone who can.
I want friends who understand me! – One of the best parts of the community is having a network of people who are a part of the same lifestyle as you, that you can openly talk about your interests with. You don’t have to get to know people with the intent of playing with or dating them (In fact, that isn’t the recommended approach).
Safety! – Having a community that looks out for each other is immensely valuable. Rather that be warning you about people with a history of bad intentions, places that are unsafe to go to, or teaching you about unsafe practices, having people around facilitates a safe place to explore, learn, and connect.
I want to date/hook up! – If you are looking for dating and hook ups, the community is a great place to spend time with people who have similar interests, though it isn’t recommended to go into it expecting people to fall all over you. Just like any other type of dating, you need to get to know people and start as friends first. People aren’t objects to fulfil your fantasies, unless you negotiate that with someone that is.

Getting Started

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How Do I Start?
So you know what your motivations are, and you are ready to take the leap and say hello! But how do I start? Where do I find these awesome people?

Fetlife – Fetlife.com is a website that many consider kinky Facebook. People have individual profiles where they add their friends, share pictures, stories, post status updates as well as host online and in person groups and events. Making a profile on there and setting your location is a great way to be able to see events that are in your area that other people are hosting. If you are more inclined towards being online or aren’t quite ready to meet people in person yet, there’s lots of groups that focus on online community as well as online classes and educational resources compiled to point you in the right direction. Remember though, online tutorials generally aren’t a substitution for the more risky types of play that need a hands on teacher such as suspension or fireplay (That includes this website!).
Facebook – Speaking of Facebook, in more recent years some folks have gotten a lot more open. You can occasionally find groups posting events on Facebook, though this still isn’t quite as common.
Googling – If you look up “Kink Club” or “Kink Scene” along with your city, you might get some results pop up of established businesses or venues. Generally these will also be listed on Fetlife, but some cities have community hubs that are disconnected from Fet. and operate independently. Usually these are membership based and only have select days where they run “Open House” style events for non-members to come check things out and meet people.
Discord – Discord has become a popular platform for the community, both for online only communities (generally focused around a specific kink/fetish) or as a digital reflection of an in person community. Some of these will be openly posted on other websites, and some are invitation only once you go out and get to know people. Remember! Just because the platform is digital doesn’t give you a free pass to sexualize people or be weird, treat the platform exactly how you would if you were meeting a group of people for the first time in person.

What’s A Munch? A Slosh?

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A Munch is a gathering of people in the kink/bdsm community that are meeting in a Vanilla (non-kinky) setting to hang out with their friends and get to know each other. These are sometimes called Socials depending on the group. This is commonly at a restaurant, park, cafe or other similar public gathering space. This is the standard point of first contact for most people, and it is encouraged and expected for new people to come out and say hello!
A Slosh is just like a munch, but usually has alcohol involved and frequently is at a bar.
These events are intended to be a vanilla way to meet people with low expectations and socialize. This is not the place to show up in all your leather and latex (unless explicitly invited to do so). This is also not the space for cruising and trying to pick people up, it is generally very frowned upon to come onto people or to ask explicit questions unprompted.

What if people see my face and try to dox me? What if they tell my mom?
Generally other people are there for the same reason you are. There is a social commitment in the community to protect each other and one another’s privacy, and people with poor intentions are usually booted out. The risk of going to a much is generally very low, but if you work in a field that it would be damaging to your career or it would be catastrophic if someone in your family found out, it is worth taking those risks into consideration when deciding if you want to attend in person events.

What if I see a coworker, a friend, my therapist, ect?
Similar to the above, they are there for the same reason you are! It’s up to you and the other person rather or not you want to acknowledge that the other is there or not. It is not uncommon for social overlap to happen, some people choose to be friendly and others choose to pleasantly ignore one another, but it’s only weird if you make it weird.

Community Etiquette

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Community Etiquette
There is an etiquette that is generally accepted and expected to be adhered to when interacting with others in community spaces. Some spaces clearly write it out, others consider it to be an unspoken expectation.

Ask For Consent – Ask for consent, Always, about everything. If you would like to touch someone (rather it be a hug or feeling someone up you think is sexy), touching their things you think are really cool (rope, toys, ect), having a serious conversation, bringing up explicit topics or even sitting next to someone, it’s always best to ask and accept a no gracefully. No one is obligated to say yes to anything you ask, or give you a reason why the answer is no.

Don’t pressure people, tease or catcall them – Just because you see a couple people doing what appears to be teasing someone, calling them a “Slut” or other such word doesn’t mean you have permission to join in.

Just because someone is a submissive/little/slut/daddy/dom, doesn’t mean they are YOURS – A role, a way of dressing or acting is not an open invitation for you to interact with them that way unless they are wearing a huge sign that says so. Never make assumptions or speak to someone like you have an established dynamic with them unless it is negotiated and enthusiastically consented to. This includes how you carry yourself in a space. Are you a Daddy Dom who expects to be called Sir? That’s fantastic for you and anyone you have negotiated with, but don’t ever expect people you don’t know to do this.

Respect pronouns and gender identities – The LGBTQ+ community built the foundation of the modern kink community, and there is a high probability you will run into several people who are transgender or have a different sexuality or relationship style then you. Even if you don’t understand it, respecting people’s identities and what they would like to be called or known as is non-optional. If you are unable to do this, you most likely will not be welcome in community spaces.

Don’t pry into people’s vanilla life – Some people are open about their vanilla name’s, where they work, if they have a family, what gym they go to, and have the liberty and comfort to do so, others do not. Many people withhold these details about themselves, and it is considered poor social etiquette to ask people about it, which may feel a little different when that tends to be vanilla ice breakers! Similarly, its best not to share that kind of information about other people if you know it unless you are 100% positive they would shout it into a room full of people themselves.

Don’t bring up explicit fantasies – We are all here for the same reason, but if you show up to your very first event where no one knows you and you ask the first person you see “Will you finger my butt hole?” they might not appreciate it. If a subject comes up organically, or if you have curious questions without expectations, that’s totally okay! Some events are even dedicated to open discussions about specific topics, where it is encouraged to talk about these things, but you want to respect other people and that they might not want to talk to you about how much you want to be wrapped up in plastic wrap until they get to know you a little better.

Don’t assume older people are the most experienced – People come into the community at all stages of life, someone who is 25 might have several years of experience and someone who is 60 might have only started attending events last month. If you want to know something about a topic, ask around about who might know about it, you may be surprised

Ask if you see a collar – This is one that is more in practice in some areas then others. Sometimes someone in a relationship dynamic with another person will be wearing a collar – this is similar to wearing a ring. Some people who are collared need permission from their partner to play with other people or engage in certain activities. Sometimes a collar is just an aesthetic choice, or someone is self-collared, or any other myriad of reasons they might be wearing it, so try not to make assumptions about seeing a collar either! Its best just to ask what their collar means.

Party Etiquette

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So you’ve been invited to a party, that’s great! Rather this be one held at a public venue, someone’s house, or otherwise there are some general expectations we have of each other on top of the general community etiquette. Most places will have a list of rules and expectations for their spaces listed as well, be sure to read those and adhere to them.

Don’t touch things that aren’t yours! – This includes objects, people, and people that are objects. If it isn’t yours, do not touch it without asking and getting a clear yes. Even if its really really cool, or someone is naked and exposed in front of you. The only invitation is one directly spoken to you.

Don’t interrupt a scene – Rather this be because you have a question you are dying to ask, you want to give someone a complement, or otherwise, do not step in and interrupt someone else’s scene unless explicitly invited to do so.

What if I think something unsafe is happening? – If you really think something is going sideways, look for an organizer or event DM (or Dungeon Monitor) who are explicitly there to evaluate a scene and step in if needed unless someone in the scene is explicitly asking other people around for help. Sometimes think look unsafe to someone who isn’t used to a type of play, or people are playing with CNC (Consensual Non-Consent) but it isn’t your place to interrupt. Example of when not to step in: Someone yelling “Please help me!”, vs if someone says “Red! I need help getting this person out of rope immediately!” if you are unsure, ask someone else for help.

If you don’t like it, just walk away – You will probably see things you really do not like. Maybe even something that disgusts you. It’s your right to feel that way, but it is not your right to go up to someone and tell them you think what they are doing is disgusting. If it is between two consenting adults, mind your own business and take personal responsibility to remove yourself and walk away. This includes things that scare or might be triggering to you.

Don’t take rejection too hard – If someone says no thanks when you ask to play with them or touch their things, take it gracefully and move on. There are other people and parties out there where you will meet people and get to have fun experiences. And remember, no one has to tell you why they said no.

Staring – There’s lot’s of fun things and people to look at, in fact many people enthusiastically want an audience for whatever shenanigans they are getting up to, but they may not want said audience to be uncomfortably close to them. Watching from across the room is much more acceptable then being right on top of another person. Additionally, even if a space is sex positive, its best practice to ask permission if you intend to masturbate to another person or activity going on, or to at least keep a very reasonable distance and not make it weird for them.

Respect scene vs social space – A lot of play spaces have clearly split social and scene spaces. If you are in a social space, don’t start beating someone’s ass. If you are in a scene space, don’t start having a loud conversation about what you had for dinner.

Respect Aftercare – Just because a scene ended might not mean they are ready for you to come bombard them with questions or start socializing. Many people need time to wind down and re-center themselves after a scene, or even pack up their things and bandage injuries. It can also be polite to move if you are no longer needing/using a dedicated aftercare space to make room for other people.

Don’t hog the equipment – Everyone would like the opportunity to scene on that really cool piece of furniture, try to limit the amount of time you spend on it to a reasonable amount of time, clean up afterwards and do your aftercare in a secondary location if possible.

Clean up after yourself – If you make a mess, clean it up. Wipe down things with sanitizing wipes, use puppy pads or towels under you if you are going to sit somewhere naked or have sex. Nobody wants to clean up after you, and you probably don’t want to clean up after other people.

FAQ

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This is all very introductory, and there will likely be variations depending on your region, what type of group you are attending, or otherwise. When in doubt, just ask questions! Most people are friendly and enthusiastic to help and point you in the right direction, we all started as beginners at one time or another!